"You choose how long it takes for you to move on, but don't take too long." The words my friend/hairdresser told me after I answered her question as to why I looked so pale and weak. They're also the reason as to why I'm telling this story to you.
This week would have marked week 12 in mine and Adam's first pregnancy; the last week of the first trimester. Exactly one week ago, Adam and I went in for our first appointment. When it was time to listen to the baby's heartbeat, my midwife instantly went from smiling to concerned all in a moments time. Because of the lack of a heartbeat, the ultrasound unit was wheeled in and a lot of alarming questions were thrown my way. Due to the build of my body, I was unable to have any of my questions answered or concerns relieved. I was instead ordered to have a blood test and then come back first thing Friday morning for a vaginal ultrasound and to meet with a doctor.
At Friday's appointment, it was confirmed that mine and Adam's baby never fully began to develop. This was such a shock to us both because I was displaying all the typical pregnancy symptoms: morning sickness, nausea, food aversions, constantly tired, and my hCG levels from Wednesday's blood test were exactly where they needed to be. It was explained that our baby stopped developing around weeks 6 - 7 and my body had yet to recognize it. I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage and had my options of how to deal with it listed out to me. The first was a D & C, which the doctor did not recommend and the second was a series of pills to induce a miscarriage. Since I had all day Thursday to prepare for this particular scenario, I opted for the pills. No sooner had the appointment started, Adam and I were in our car with three different prescriptions making phone calls to our parents to break the news to them.
At 1:00 that afternoon I inserted the pills and the waiting began. I soon began to experience the worst pains imaginable. Adam held me and comforted me so selflessly trying his hardest to make me better. This lasted for 27 hours, and then it was over leaving me with a weak body and an emptiness inside.
The next day, Adam and I tried to make it as normal as possible. Although we both put forth a brilliant effort, we failed. No matter what we did I was constantly reminded of the events of the past couple of days and was unable to just be happy.
On Monday, I woke up determined to be better and started with my daily routine. Throughout the day those pains from Friday and Saturday came back and I felt like I was right back where I started. After another 14 hours of tremendous pain, it just simply ended once again leaving me extremely weak and empty.
The next morning, I went back to the doctor and told him everything, which he simply replied with, "sounds like everything went as planned." After those words were spoken I immediately became angry. No, everything did not go as planned. If it did, I would almost be in my second trimester with a healthy baby growing inside of me. This was not the plan. This is no one's plan.
As I left with my new prescription to aid in the contracting of my uterus so I wouldn't hemorrhage, I was much more aware of the pregnancies all around me. I was quickly overcame with jealousy and anger. I envied everyone's smiles and joy. I began to judge these people and list reasons as to how I would be a better parent than them. It became very easy to be bitter.
Sitting in my car I debated cancelling my appointments for the day and going home to sleep away my feelings. Luckily, I decided not to and figured some normalcy would be good for me. Driving to my hair appointment, I was once again consumed with anger and I just kept thinking, "why me? This isn't fair. I'm extremely healthy. It shouldn't be me going through this."
When I blurted out the news, my hairdresser just hugged me and began telling me about her past experiences with miscarriages. As I sat in that chair chopping off the hair growth gained from three months of prenatals, I was quickly reminded of the pains and struggles of the other 8 billion people on this planet. It isn't just me going through a heart wrenching, horrible loss; everyone has a painful experience. If all these people chose to only focus on their pains and struggles this world would be an even more devastating place to live in for everyone. In this moment I knew I needed to move on and try my hardest to choose joy despite my heartache.
I know this will take some time to overcome. I'm going to shed many more tears and I'm going to fight away jealousy for a good while longer but I'm ready to start the journey of moving on. I feel that sharing with you my story is the perfect place to start.
